failing upwards

by sarah selip

be honest, is this you?

I’ll let you in on a dirty little secret.

The strongest, most successful people you know have failed and have failed a lot.

In the professional setting, ‘failure’ and ‘rejection’ are four-letter words.

Nobody wants to talk about those so-called shortcomings because they’re afraid of being judged by their peers. I’m guilty of it myself; sometimes, that’s the best way to handle it.

But, dear reader, I decided to come at this piece with a sprinkle of transparency and a dash of nuance.

The best thing you can do for yourself is learn how to “fail” and handle failure.

I hesitate to refer to “failure” as “failure” because, truth be told, it’s an opportunity for growth and self-reflection.

I’ve failed plenty of times in my life, but, upon reflection, it wasn’t because I did a poor job in a role or with a client. It just wasn’t the right fit, or it they were looking for someone with different experiences.

Let’s use interviewing as an example. Sure, when interviewing for a job, you’re also interviewing them. But do you know who else is interviewing for the position or the other candidates? The answer is likely no. These other candidates have different experiences, might have had the job in a different capacity, or have connections/references that you don’t. On the opposite side, the interviewer doesn’t know which other jobs you are interviewing for or how competitive the salaries in the other offices are.

Truthfully, I’ve been rejected for jobs where I was put up against my friends for the same position. Now I can say that the office wasn’t the right fit for me, and I probably wouldn’t have been happy there.

Apply this to romantic relationships. I was talking to a friend recently who recently decided to end things with the girl he had been seeing for a few months. Instead of feeling upset about the breakup, she felt rejected and even attacked. I know it's a little dramatic, but hear me out. It just wasn’t the right fit, and probably for good reasons. It’s not rejection or failure; it’s an opportunity for growth to find out who would be a better fit, what you’re looking for in a relationship, and what you can learn about yourself after it ends.

Failure doesn't mean you failed. doesn’t mean that you’re unqualified. People have different expectations that you probably don’t know about or different prior experiences altogether.

Remember this. You aren’t a failure. Rejection isn’t an attack against you. It’s an opportunity for growth. And please trust me when I say everything happens for a reason.

The next time you’re feeling down, or like a failure or rejected, reframe your brain try to train yourself to think, “Which doors does this open up for me?”

If you find yourself fired from a job, rejected from a fellowship, or turned down for a position, consider asking the interviewer where your shortcomings were. I like to do this overall, so that I know which areas I can work on for the future.

Ask your mentors. We’ve all failed at one thing or another, but it’s not on you. It’s not because you’re unqualified, it’s that they were looking for something different — better fit. Don’t worry. find a better fit for you, too.

It’s not failure, it’s finding the right fit.